Been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been busy trying to write stuff I actually get paid for. So much to talk about, so many things I’ve seen that make me wonder just how irrational the human species can possibly be.
So let’s talk about strange things people think about perception and communication. Just for clarification, for the rest of this essay, whenever I say “you”, I am not referring to anyone in particular, so please don’t take offense. Unless you have said some of these things yourself, I am not talking about you in particular.
I was told recently that when I say, “I wish I could get you to understand my side of it,” it means I am criticizing them and saying they are not smart enough to understand. NO I AM NOT. I hate it when people put words into my mouth. What I meant was precisely what I said. I wish they could understand my point of view. My frustration is that I can’t figure out a way to communicate what I want. It does not mean you are too stupid, it means I am failing to communicate properly. This is a basic point of communication that many people don’t seem to understand. When two people are trying to communicate, if there is a failure to communicate, it is ALWAYS the failure of the person trying to communicate, not the communicate. It is the responsibility of the person trying to communicate to find a way that the other person understands. Some people are harder to communicate with than others, but since they can not be expected to be mindreaders, they can’t be held responsible for not understanding.
I have been told that the police, airport security, and others in the security business are specially trained in detecting and interpreting body language and “micro-expressions.” Too bad they aren’t qualified psychologists and even if they were, it wouldn’t mean anything. Example: a person who won’t look you in the eyes and keeps looking away is lying and trying to hide something, right? WRONG. It could mean that the person is simply shy, or perhaps they are nervous about being questioned by a cop, or maybe they’ve just had a really bad day, maybe they are distracted and worried about something else, or maybe they are somewhere on the autistic spectrum and they just aren’t comfortable looking anyone in the eyes. One last thing, if a person is perfectly comfortable lying, they are not going to be caught by this technique, because it assumes that a person will feel guilty about lying. So this wonderful technique only works on basically honest people that are caught not telling the truth, or maybe are just not having a good day, but it fails for the very people it is supposed to detect.
Another great one: a person crossing their arms in a conversation is supposed to be closed off and confrontational, not wanting to have an honest and open conversation. Or maybe they are just cold, or maybe they are socially insecure and don’t know what to do with their hands. There are any number of reasons they could be crossing their arms that have nothing to do with how “open” they are to the conversation.
Perhaps they are frowning when they are listening to you. They must be angry, right? Or, perhaps they just do that when they are concentrating and they are just concentrating on hearing what you have to say. Certainly that is what is going on with me most of the time.
When they are angry, when they sound irritated, that clearly means they are upset with you. Except when they are upset with themselves, or they have a headache, or maybe they just don’t hear tonal inflections well and don’t even realize they sound angry.
I could go on and on, but I’m tired and depressed that so many people believe this obvious fallacy that body language is so great. If it was so clear, people wouldn’t have all the miscommunication that occurs every day, all around us, all the time.
I had someone tell me that they hated having conversations in writing because the possibility was so much greater for miscommunication when all you could see were their words, they couldn’t read tonal inflections and the nonverbal communications. What is so difficult about just reading what words are written and taking them at face value without all the baggage of trying to read body language that is so vague and inaccurate? The written word allows you to say, “this is what you said, is this not what you meant.” Do you really expect me to take you seriously when you say things like, “your hip is turned this way, so you really meant this.” No, actually, it didn’t mean a damned thing that related to our conversation. It only meant I happened to be standing that way. You want to know what I think? Ask me and listen to what I actually say, don’t try to interpret my body language, because most likely you will be wrong.
